so this is it. the first rambling of the "new" me (as if i was ever really sure what the old me was like).

i was halfway through writing a huge long diatribe on the ultimate demise of people who try to run away from their problems, and that in some way i too was ultimately destined to face the same result due to my move to california and the ties i have that will never actually let me leave Atlanta and how said problems would snowball into something monstrously disasterous and that for a second i thought i would never be happy living away from everybody i know in Atlanta, but then i realized that i didnt know anybody when i first moved there and yes it was horrible for that first year, and most of the second but then not so much of the third and the fourth wasn't quite as bad and by the time the fifth year had come around i was pretty happy where i was so i shouldn't think that everything would fall into place in the first six weeks in a place where i don't know a single person in a city of millions, where i don't have a job where i know how to do everything before it's even been explained to me the first time, where i don't know the good parts and bad parts and ok to drive with your windows down but you wouldn't want to stop in parts of town, where i can't be doing something totally innane and utterly stupid and say "hey look at this" and have my best friends that i've known for years watch me and think to themselves how totally innane and utterly stupid whatever i was doing was which, sure, there are people walking around all the time and they're probably thinking that it was both innane and stupid but i haven't known them for years so they don't count.

and since i've been here driving around seeing all kinds of awesome places and driving by people doing all kinds of awesome things and not having someone to turn to and say "dude look at that, it's awesome" not to mention the fact that i have the most ultimate of all zenlike and relaxing features of the earth being the pacific ocean at my doorstep which leads to all kinds of internal delving and seeking inner truths and whatnot, i've realized that i've never really been happy anywhere or with anyone else because i never let myself be happy with anyone or anywhere else and that every failed relationship i've ever had has been the result of the same not allowing myself to be happy and the feeling i've had where every place i've called home since i was 13 has never actually feeled like home because i never let myself feel like it was home and everything i've ever done that seemed spontaneous was in fact totally opposite in that yes, it was just thought of a split second ago, but i've already thought about what good or bad could come out of the choice we make, and the good or bad that could come out of any number of possible permutations of any choices that resulted from that initial choice so in fact it was never really spontaneous and i've decided that i've spent my entire life being led by my head and not my heart and everything doesn't have to be figured out and only in the past 6 months have i realized this and only in the past 6 months have i had the faith that things will be taken care of whether by some preternatural force or myself or someone else it doesn't matter but something will be done to resolve any situation and only in the past 6 months have i found myself being truly happy.

i've also been truly scared that everything i've done hasn't really amounted to much that means anything to anyone but myself but in that sense i know there are people who'll say "so what?" and that as long as something is important to me that's all that matters, but there are also people who'll agree with me and say i haven't really done much of anything substantial but i don't really know who to listen to and i'd make it easy and say i listen to myself and don't follow anyone else's rules but that's a load of crap because though i do listen to myself, i also listen others and on goes the battle of what should i do how should i feel and this really isn't going anywhere but somewhere in here is my point and it is that a part of me is scared that i'm not the same person i was two months ago and that i've changed because i have the opportunity to change and the same way that many people change when they transition from high school to college and reinvent themselves, i've been reinventing myself every couple of years every time my family moved, every time i started at a new school, every time i made a new group of friends, every time i had a new job, and i'm left wondering where under all this bullshit that i've put people through is the real me and i'm scared because i don't know.
- posted by yeah...about that... @ 8:21 PM