I don’t know when it was exactly. In the past, I’ve been crippled the instant that certain someone would wander into my life. First my eyes would lock on, then for the life of me, I can't get them to look away. I can’t blink. I would then feel my legs go numb. I usually have to find something to lean against or use my arms for support or fall. I normally have the wherewithal to snap out of it and the paralysis is only momentary - I’ve never actually fallen. Once the initial shock is over, I regain composure and return to being my regular, analytical, mostly rational self; I then use all my powers of self-control to keep myself from becoming a babbling idiot. And it begins, but it’s an exercise I have some control over. Not that I have much control, but at least I know where I stand right from the start. But you caught me by surprise. I didn’t see it coming. Maybe it was because it was slow and steady. When I first saw you, there was not a clue that I’d be here now - in this state. But here I am turning into that babbling idiot. Your beauty is like the billions of tiny drops of rain forming the vast oceans; it was not apparent to me at first. Because you blindsided me with your little surprise attack(s), you successfully bypassed all my usual defenses. I now find myself falling deeper with very little hope of regaining control over my emotions. I keep telling myself that it’s wrong. You’re with someone. You’re probably not all that interested. You tend to be flirtatious and maybe I’m just another passing guy you’re being nice to. You leave me puzzled, disappointed, and determined. One would think the best policy would be honesty - to just go in and say what’s true in my heart. But it turns out the games the mind plays proves the most effective. You know how I feel. I know you know. You know I know. I know you know I know. The levels of knowing are beyond measurement. I know from your eyes as you know from mine. Yet when I put my feelings for you into action, you just take it for granted; the more I give, the less you care; the less I care, the more you give. This game isn’t new. It still doesn’t make much sense to me. Why must we go through this ritual? Doesn’t it seem pointless? Are you a sadist? Why do you want me to be one? I want to shower you with kisses. But I also want to fuck you senseless. Maybe it makes sense after all. Maybe you’re too sweet and oblivious to see all this, but I get the feeling you know more than you’re willing to reveal. While you, at present, can take refuge from how strong this is by utilizing the company of another, I await the second I can see you again before this knot in my stomach unfurls. It took me so long to not need anyone, yet thoughts of you are increasingly taking over all parts of my being. I now vividly recall the meaning of the word longing. I know with longing comes jealousy, lust, contempt, elation, misery, anger, love, and all the other rollercoaster states of being…all the fed up things that remind me of being alive. I have successfully insulated myself from all this and you managed to let me feel again. I’m a total wreck. Years later, I can write a story about what could’ve been: my quiet suffering, the longing, the inspiration, but if I had to trade all the positive that might result for just one long kiss at this very moment... Some days I curse you for this slow, sweet, torture, but I desperately want you in my arms. I must be in love. I hate love. I’m afraid of love. How much damage has been done? I want to pump my fist in the air and cry like a baby at the same time. I’m hysterical. At this rate, I’m going to need help soon or I won’t function. I am a junkie and you’re my fix.

i did not write this. but i think it's what everyone feels at some point in their life. the unlucky ones more than once.
- posted by yeah...about that... @ 12:23 PM