When you are content to be simply yourself and don't
compare or compete, everybody will respect you.
--Lao-Tzu

my roommate is in new orleans for the next 4 days. he's speaking at a conference full of other smart engineer-types about mechanical systems and robotics. his new company, Northrop Grumman, is paying for it. he was on the varsity swim team in college, completed his undergrad in 4 years, got his masters the next year, and then got a job designing flight control systems for satellites in his company's Space Technology division. he doesn't like things done halfway. he doesn't like a mess. he irons all his work clothes. he likes "steve" music more than i do. he's always looking to get out of the apartment for at least a few hours everyday. he pushes his bed against the wall in his room because he likes open space. he would use his new grill to cook every meal for the rest of his life if he could. he does what he says he'll do sooner than you'd expect.

and i'm learning to be happy for him. i'm still learning after spending six years barely graduating college. and i'm learning that i'm not less of a person because i didn't graduate on time, or because i didn't get my masters, or because i don't have a job that deals with billion dollar contracts with the government.

and it's hard to not compare yourself to those around you or compete to be the best after i've been doing it for the past 19 years. i had to. i was 5 when i started kindergarten. two weeks later i was moved up to first grade. i was 7 when i started third grade. two weeks later i was moved up to fourth grade. i've had to compete with everyone around me, my peers, to prove that i belonged there. not only did i have to prove to the teachers that i could handle the work, but the hardest part has always been proving to the other students that i was just like them...when i wasn't. when everyone is 9 and 10, and you're 7, you're the slowest, the weakest, the last guy picked, the first guy out, the easy target for bullies, and never part of the cool group because who wants to hang out with the young kid?

my roommate is passionate about things. i never could be. i grew up having things i liked taken away from me everytime the air force transferred my dad, or when he retired from the air force, or when he got another job, and when we moved from house to apartment to house to apartment to house. anytime i started liking something, i had to leave it. i learned to be unsettled. first was the house where i was born on George AFB, then the house in Las Vegas, then the house in Alamogordo NM off base, then the house on base at Holloman, then the apartment in Garden Grove CA, then the house in Orange CA, then the apartment in Smyrna GA, then the house in Marietta GA, then Fitten on GT campus, then the first pink house apartment, then the water polo house apartment, then the Georgian Hills apartment, then Montag on GT campus, then back to Marietta, then the new apartment off Clairmont Rd, then the room i rented in the house in Malibu CA, then the apartment in Marina del Rey, and now the apartment in Playa del Rey. 18's a lot of places to call home.

i remember how much i cried when i found out we had to leave Orange and move to Atlanta. 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th grades. i had a really really tight group of friends. we were in Boy Scouts together. one of them taught me to play the trumpet. i saw my first rated R movie with them. we walked to and from school together and hang out every afternoon until my parents got home. and they were the 2 votes i got in the 7th grade student body election when i didnt even vote for myself.

i didn't know anyone at my school in 8th grade. playing my trumpet was the only thing i was good at. when i auditioned, i got 1st chair. the other kids didn't like me because i was the new kid. and not only was i the new kid, but i was the california new kid who did things the california way and not the georgia way. six weeks later, i was in a new middle school. not because it was so horrible i never wanted to go back, but because we moved out of the apartment we were in into a new house. it's bad enough going to a new school. it's even worse when you go to a new school and everyone's grown up together and after they've already made friends with the new kids. i was a new new kid. and i got by because in the big scheme of things it wasn't so bad. but i was 12, so to me it was that bad. and i could still play my trumpet. and i got placed ahead of some kid who thought he was awesome because he was 1st chair. so now i'm the new new kid who's 2 years younger than everyone else and has moved in on someone else's turf. it sucked.

and i shut everyone out. i was tired of being picked on and letting it bother me. so i said fuck'em. i didn't want to be hurt anymore.

my first girlfriend broke up with me. i didn't want to be hurt anymore. i've been the one to break up with every girlfriend since. i don't know that this part really fits here, but i felt the need to say it.

to kind of tie this all up, Lao-Tzu's comment should be preceded by "First you must respect yourself, and then..."

and in this space i was about to go on about how it was ok that i didn't finish school on time, and how i didnt get my masters, and how i don't have a big fancy job working on spacecraft....but that's just more comparisons to my roommate.

i'm still learning.
- posted by yeah...about that... @ 12:21 AM